džulory ladžala

is not magical, fantastical, or perfect.

It’s painful, lonely, sad… and fucking hard.

I had a big post written out about this, but tumblr ate it, and now I just don’t have the energy to post with the same heart. 

I get tired of people following me because they think I’m one of those boho-hippie-gypsy blogs that posts whimsical photos of girls with messy hair in fields of corn.

Only, that’s not my life. That’s not what being Rroma is about.

I guess that’s why they get disappointed whenever I do write about anything and immediately unfollow… or get mad and write me passive-aggressive notes and then unfollow.

I just don’t understand. They want to be “gypsies”, the want to know about our lives, our religion, our feelings, but they don’t want the truth. They don’t want to know about me.

They want Esmeralda and Kate Moss….

Not Dale Farm and Romanian Ghettos.

Struggling to pack and take what we can ahead of the sheriff and eviction reminds me of the times my grandmother was evicted, often without notice in the middle of winter, with nowhere else to go. We’d help them grab whatever they could and shuffle it across to a sister’s or uncle’s cottage or caravan. Sometimes, we’d split between two or three relatives—as if we were doomed to be found if we stayed together.

I’m so tired of being disliked because of my ethnicity. I know some of you are rolling your eyes right now, thinking “god you’re so… angry. You’re always angry. It’s not about your ethnicity, it’s how you attack people” (quoted from an ask I received)…

I don’t ever just attack people. 

And it’s always about my ethnicity.

I sometimes feel like I should start misappropriating slang words and clothing from white hipster girls and calling it something else entirely. 

Emonerd so Buckra

Ugh.

I just feel like I need a loud speaker wherever I go to yell at people…

I just don’t feel right anymore. I don’t feel welcome. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t feel like I fit in, not even here in this anonymous world.

I just feel so… at odds with everyone and everything.

o mothodipe si mothodo thaj bistardo